If Now Was The Beginning

Posted on January 3, 2012


In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. God divided land from sea and set the air above from the waters below. God created plants of every size and shape; color and hue. God made animals that swam, flew, crawled, walked, waddled, paddled, and jumped. The world teemed with life.

As time went on God created fire, the wheel, and eventually the cotton-gin. God, being God, was teeming with ideas and continued to create: the automobile, vaccines, the hang-glider, stand-up comedy, the personal computer, complex subway systems, cable television, supermarkets, the iPod, the iPhone, the Internet, Netflix, Costco, Tivo, Amazon.com, and eventually Facebook.

But God needed people to send Facebook friend requests to, and to love and appreciate all the other things of creation. So God created people in his own image. Male and female he created them, and he set them into the world. God said unto them, “Before we get started we need to lay down a couple of ground rules.”

“Sure.” Adam and Eve nodded understandingly.

“You can do pretty much whatever you want. Just don’t eat from this tree behind me.” And God turned around to point at a beautiful tree behind him, a tree bathed in sunlight, whose fruit was ripe and fresh, “See this is the tree of the knowledge of Good and Evil.” When he turned back Adam was texting.

“What are you doing? Who can you be texting?” But as soon as he asked Eve’s phone buzzed and she held up one finger to God, “Hold on a sec, I just got a message.” She giggled at whatever the message was, tapped out a response and then turned back to God, “Ok, go on.”

God rolled his eyes, “Anyway, as I was saying, this is the tree of…oh, come on…” For Adam and Eve had entered a Starbucks and were trying to figure out what to order. “Hey God!” Eve yelled as God caught up with them, “You want anything? I’m buying.”

“How are you buying?” God asked, “You don’t have money. You don’t even have pockets! Or clothes for that matter.”

Eve looked down and laughed, “Good point. Adam, there is a sale at the GAP that I was going to go to right after this.”

God sighed, then ordered a tall mocha with an extra shot.

After finding an awesome deal on some bootcut jeans (and tweeting it) Adam, Eve, and God sat down with an Orange Julius to pick up where they left off.

“Ok, forget the tree thing.” God began, “I can see now that was the wrong way to begin. How about this: do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God. Do you think that will work for you? Adam? Adam!” He pulled the ear-buds out of Adam’s ears. “I’m talking to you.”

Adam looked up, “Some people say that Coldplay is a poser band, but if you actually listen to them, I mean really cut out all the noise of reviews and critics, of what people say about them, and what you feel like you are suppose to think about them if you want to be a certain type of person then they actually make really good music.”

God sat back, a bit stunned, “Adam, you know that’s quite insightful! I’ve actually thought the same thing myself on occasion. You must have put some serious thought into that. I can’t believe…and here I am thinking that you were incapable of focusing…”

Adam held up a finger, “Ah, hold on, new message. It’s Eve, she wants me to meet her at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.”

God looks around, “How did she…she was hear a minute ago…”

“Anyway,” Adam stands up, “We should do this again. And listen, I know you think I wasn’t listening, but I was.” Adam turned his iPad so God could see it. His note read:

Trees are good.

Do something (ask Eve)

Love Coldplay.

Walking 15 min. every day for heart health.

“Adam out!” And with that Adam turned a walked off to meet Eve at BB&B.

God sat in the Food Court for a few minutes by himself, until Satan came up.

“I’m ready to tempt them to eat of the tree!” Satan said.

“Oh, hey Slim, about that, I’m don’t think sin is going to be the big problem we thought it was.”

“What do you mean?” Satan asked, “Sin is my thing. It’s what I do. I even found the perfect t-shirt at Urban Outfitters.” He pulled off his jacket to show God a blue shirt with hot-pink lettering that read “Temptation ’11”

“Nice.” God said, “But it looks like apathy and malaise might trump classic sinning most of the time.” God began to chuckle sadly to himself, “I don’t actually think they’re going to have the time or energy to get around to much serious sinning.”

“Huh.” Satan nodded, “Did not see that coming.”

He sat down across from God and the two them simply sat in silence for awhile. Then he asked, “So what about forgiveness, do you still need that?”

God nodded, “I don’t know.”

“What are you going to do to counter apathy?”

God just shook his head, “I’m not sure.”

They sat for a few more minutes, neither really sure what to do. God broke the silence, “Hey Slim?”


“I’m thinking…maybe a Cinnabon?”

“Dude, you read my mind!”

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